Most of us have been unwilling to admit we
were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally
different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking
careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could
drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and
enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The
persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of
insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to
our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in
recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has
to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have
lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever
recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but
such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control,
which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are
convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive
illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost their legs;
they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment
which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every
imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed
always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism
agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic.
Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.
Despite all we can say, many who are real
alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of
self- deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves
exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing
inability to control his drinking can do the right-about- face and drink like a
gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and
long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried:
Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never
drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house,
never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from
scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk
on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and
without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational
books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to
asylums we could increase the list ad infinitum.
We do not like to pronounce any individual
as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself, step over to the nearest
barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it
more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with
yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full
knowledge of your condition.
Though there is no way of proving it, we
believe that early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped
drinking. But the difficulty is that few alcoholics have enough desire to stop
while there is yet time. We have heard of a few instances where people, who
showed definite signs of alcoholism, were able to stop for a long period because
of an overpowering desire to do so. Here is one.
A man of thirty was doing a great deal of
spree drinking. He was very nervous in the morning after these bouts and quieted
himself with more liquor. He was ambitious to succeed in business, but saw that
he would get nowhere if he drank at all. Once he started, he had no control
whatever. He made up his mind that until he had been successful in business and
had retired, he would not touch another drop. An exceptional man, he remained
bone dry for twenty-five years and retired at the age of fifty-five, after a
successful and happy business career. Then he fell victim to a belief which
practically every alcoholic has that his long period of sobriety and
self-discipline had qualified him to drink as other men. Out came his carpet
slippers and a bottle. In two months he was in a hospital, puzzled and
humiliated. He tried to regulate his drinking for a little while, making several
trips to the hospital meantime. Then, gathering all his forces, he attempted to
stop altogether and found he could not. Every means of solving his problem which
money could buy was at his disposal. Every attempt failed. Though a robust man
at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years.
This case contains a powerful lesson. most
of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could
thereafter drink normally. But here is a man who at fifty-five years found he
was just where he had left off at thirty. We have seen the truth demonstrated
again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." Commencing to drink
after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever. If we are
planning to stop drinking , there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any
lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.
Young people may be encouraged by this
man's experience to think that they can stop, as he did, on their own will
power. We doubt if many of them can do it, because none will really want to
stop, and hardly one of them, because of the peculiar mental twist already
acquired, will find he can win out. Several of our crowd, men of thirty or less,
had been drinking only a few years, but they found themselves as helpless as
those who had been drinking twenty years.
To be gravely affected, one does not
necessarily have to drink a long time nor take the quantities some of us have.
This is particularly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into
the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years. Certain drinkers, who
would be greatly insulted if called alcoholics, are astonished at their
inability to stop. We, who are familiar with the symptoms, see large numbers of
potential alcoholics among young people everywhere. But try and get them to see
it!
As we look back, we feel we had gone on
drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit on our will power. If
anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving
liquor alone for one year. If he is a real alcoholic and very far advanced,
there is scant chance of success. In the early days of our drinking we
occasionally remained sober for a year or more, becoming serious drinkers again
later. Though you may be able to stop for a considerable period, you may yet be
a potential alcoholic. We think few, to whom this book will appeal, can stay dry
anything like a year. Some will be drunk the day after making their resolutions;
most of them within a few weeks.
For those who are unable to drink
moderately the question is how to stop altogether. We are assuming, of course,
that the reader desires to stop. Whether such a person can quit upon a
nonspiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the
power to choose whether he will drink or not. Many of us felt that we had plenty
of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it
impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it this utter
inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.
How then shall we help our readers
determine, to their own satisfaction, whether they are one of us? The experiment
of quitting for a period of time will be helpful, but we think we can render an
even greater service to alcoholic sufferers and perhaps to the medical
fraternity. So we shall describe some of the mental states that precede a
relapse into drinking, for obviously this is the crux of the problem.
What sort of thinking dominates an
alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first
drink? Friends who have reasoned with him after a spree which has brought him to
the point of divorce or bankruptcy are mystified when he walks directly into a
saloon. Why does he? Of what is he thinking?
Our first example is a friend we shall call
Jim. This man has a charming wife and family. He inherited a lucrative
automobile agency. He had a commendable World War record. He is a good salesman.
Everybody likes him. He is an intelligent man, normal so far as we can see,
except for a nervous disposition. He did no drinking until he was thirty-five.
In a few years he became so violent when intoxicated that he had to be
committed. On leaving the asylum he came into contact with us.
We told him what we knew of alcoholism and
the answer we had found. He made a beginning. His family was re- assembled, and
he began to work as a salesman for the business he had lost through drinking.
All went well for a time, but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life. To his
consternation, he found himself drunk half a dozen times in rapid succession. On
each of these occasions we worked with him, reviewing carefully what had
happened. He agreed he was a real alcoholic and in a serious condition. He knew
he faced another trip to the asylum if he kept on. Moreover, he would lose his
family for whom he had a deep affection. Yet he got drunk again. we asked him to
tell us exactly how it happened. This is his story: "I came to work on Tuesday
morning. I remember I felt irritated that I had to be a salesman for a concern I
once owned. I had a few words with the brass, but nothing serious. Then I
decided to drive to the country and see one of my prospects for a car. On the
way I felt hungry so I stopped at a roadside place where they have a bar. I had
no intention of drinking. I just thought I would get a sandwich. I also had the
notion that I might find a customer for a car at this place, which was familiar
for I had been going to it for years. I had eaten there many times during the
months I was sober. I sat down at a table and ordered a sandwich and a glass of
milk. Still no thought of drinking. I ordered another sandwich and decided to
have another glass of milk.
"Suddenly the thought crossed my mind
that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn't hurt me on a
full stomach. I ordered a whiskey and poured it into the milk. I vaguely sense I
was not being any too smart, but I reassured as I was taking the whiskey on a
full stomach. The experiment went so well that I ordered another whiskey and
poured it into more milk. That didn't seem to bother me so I tried another."
Thus started one more journey to the asylum
for Jim. Here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to
say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always
caused him. He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet all
reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea
that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk!
Whatever the precise definition of the word
may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the
ability to think straight, be called anything else?
You may think this an extreme case. To us
it is not far- fetched, for this kind of thinking has been characteristic of
every single one of us. We have sometimes reflected more than Jim did upon the
consequences. But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel
with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for
taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The
insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and
sincerity, how it could have happened.
In some circumstances we have gone out
deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger,
worry, depression, jealousy or the like. But even in this type of beginning we
are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely
insufficient in the light of what always happened. We now see that when we began
to drink deliberately, instead or casually, there was little serious or
effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the terrific
consequences might be.
Our behavior is as absurd and
incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a
passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of
fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly
warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer
ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in
succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he
is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving
the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has
decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct
continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off
the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce
and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking
idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways.
But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his
back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?
You may think our illustration is too
ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if
we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking, the illustration would fit exactly.
However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been
involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language but isn't it true?
Some of you are thinking: "Yes, what you
tell is true, but it doesn't fully apply. We admit we have some of these
symptoms, but we have not gone to the extremes you fellows did, nor are we
likely to, for we understand ourselves so well after what you have told us that
such things cannot happen again. We have not lost everything in life through
drinking and we certainly do not intend to. Thanks for the information."
That may be true of certain nonalcoholic
people who, though drinking foolishly and heavily at the present time, are able
to stop or moderate, because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as
ours were. But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly any exception,
will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge.
This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our
alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience. Let us
take another illustration.
Fred is a partner in a well known
accounting firm. His income is good, he has a fine home, is happily married and
the father of promising children of college age. He has so attractive a
personality that he makes friends with everyone. If ever there was a successful
business man, it is Fred. To all appearance he is a stable, well balanced
individual. Yet, he is alcoholic. We first saw Fred about a year ago in a
hospital where he had gone to recover from a bad case of jitters. It was his
first experience of this kind, and he was much ashamed of it. Far from admitting
he was an alcoholic , he told himself he came to the hospital to rest his
nerves. The doctor intimated strongly that he might be worse than he realized.
For a few days he was depressed about his condition. He made up his mind to quit
drinking altogether. It never occurred to him that perhaps he could not do so,
in spite of his character and standing. Fred would not believe himself an
alcoholic, much less accept a spiritual remedy for his problem. We told him what
we knew about alcoholism. He was interested and conceded that he had some of the
symptoms, but he was a long way from admitting that he could do nothing about it
himself. He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus the knowledge he
had acquired, would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self- knowledge would
fix it.
We heard no more of Fred for a while. One
day we were told that he was back in the hospital. This time he was quite shaky.
He soon indicated he was anxious to see us. The story he told is most
instructive, for here was a chap absolutely convinced he had to stop drinking,
who had no excuse for drinking, who exhibited splendid judgment and
determination in all his other concerns, yet was flat on his back nevertheless.
Let him tell you about it: "I was much
impressed with what you fellows said about alcoholism, and I frankly did not
believe it would be possible for me to drink again. I rather appreciated your
ideas about the subtle insanity which precedes the first drink, but I was
confident it could not happen to me after what I had learned. I reasoned I was
not so far advanced as most of you fellows, that I had been usually successful
in licking my other personal problems, and that I would therefore be successful
where you men failed. I felt I had every right to be self- confident, that it
would be only a matter of exercising my will power and keeping on guard.
"In this frame of mind, I went about my
business and for a time all was well. I had no trouble refusing drinks, and
began to wonder if I had not been making too hard work of a simple matter. One
day I went to Washington to present some accounting evidence to a government
bureau. I had been out of town before during this particular dry spell, so there
was nothing new about that. Physically, I felt fine. Neither did I have any
pressing problems or worries. My business came off well, I was pleased and knew
my partners would be too. It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the
horizon.
"I went to my hotel and leisurely dressed
for dinner. As I crossed the threshold of the dining room, the thought came
to mind that it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. That
was all. Nothing more. I ordered a cocktail and my meal. Then I ordered
another cocktail. After dinner I decided to take a walk. When I returned to the
hotel it struck me a highball would be fine before going to bed, so I stepped
into the bar and had one. I remember having several more that night and plenty
next morning. I have a shadowy recollection of being in a airplane bound for New
York, and of finding a friendly taxicab driver at the landing field instead of
my wife. The driver escorted me for several days. I know little of where I went
or what I said and did. Then came the hospital with the unbearable mental and
physical suffering.
"As soon as I regained my ability to think,
I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off
guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not
thought of the consequences at all. I had commenced to drink as carelessly
as thought the cocktails were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic
friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the
time and place would come I would drink again. They had said that though I did
raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having
a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of
alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an
alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self- knowledge would not help in
those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who
said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was the
crushing blow.
"Two of the members of Alcoholics Anonymous
came to see me. They grinned, which I didn't like so much, and then asked me if
I thought myself alcoholic and if I were really licked this time. I had to
concede both propositions. They piled on me heaps of evidence to the effect that
an alcoholic mentality, such as I had exhibited in Washington, was hopeless
condition. They cited cases out of their own experience by the dozen. This
process snuffed out the last flicker of conviction that I could do the job
myself.
"Then they outlined the spiritual answer
and program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully. Though
I had been only a nominal churchman, their proposals were not, intellectually,
hard to swallow. But the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty
drastic. It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the
window. That was not easy. But the moment I made up my mind to go through with
the process, I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic condition was relieved,
as in fact it proved to be.
"Quite as important was the discovery that
spiritual principles would solve all my problems. I have since been brought into
a way of living infinitely more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the
life I lived before. My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I
would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go
back to it even if I could."
Fred's story speaks for itself. We hope it
strikes home to thousands like him. He had felt only the first nip of the
wringer. Most alcoholics have to be pretty badly mangled before they really
commence to solve their problems.
Many doctors and psychiatrists agree with
our conclusions. One of these men, staff member of a world-renowned hospital,
recently made this statement to some of us: "What you say about the general
hopelessness of the average alcoholics' plight is, in my opinion, correct. As to
two of you men, whose stories I have heard, there is no doubt in my mind that
you were 100% hopeless, apart from divine help. Had you offered yourselves as
patients at this hospital, I would not have taken you, if I had been able to
avoid it. People like you are too heartbreaking. Though not a religious person,
I have profound respect for the spiritual approach in such cases as yours. For
most cases, there is virtually no other solution."
Once more: The alcoholic at certain times
has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases,
neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense
must come from a Higher Power.
