Our women folk have suggested certain
attitudes a wife may take with the husband who is recovering. Perhaps they
created the impression that he is to be wrapped in cotton wool and placed on a
pedestal. Successful readjustment means the opposite. All members of the family
should meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding and love. This
involves a process of deflation. The alcoholic, his wife, his children, his
"in-laws," each one is likely to have fixed ideas about the family's attitude
towards himself or herself. Each is interested in having his or her wishes
respected. We find the more one member of the family demands that the others
concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and
unhappiness.
And why? Is it not because each wants to
play the lead? Is not each trying to arrange the family show to his liking? Is
he not unconsciously trying to see what he can take from the family life rather
than give?
Cessation of drinking is but the first step
away from a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said to us, "Years of
lining with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The
entire family is, to some extent, ill." Let families realize, as they start
their journey, that all will not be fair weather. Each in his turn may be
footsore and may straggle.
There will be alluring shortcuts and
by-paths down which they may wander and lose their way.
Suppose we tell you some of the obstacles a
family will meet; suppose we suggest how they may be avoided -- even
converted to good use for others. The family of an alcoholic longs for the
return of happiness and security. They remember when father was romantic,
thoughtful and successful. Today's life is measured against that of other years
and, when it falls short, the family may be unhappy.
Family confidence in dad is rising high.
The good old days will soon be back, they think. Sometimes they demand that dad
bring them back instantly! God, they believe, almost owes this recompense on a
long overdue account. But the head of the house has spent years in pulling down
the structures of business, romance, friendship, health -- these
things are now ruined or damaged. It will take time to clear away the wreck.
Though the old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones, the new
structures will take years to complete.
Father knows he is to blame; it may take
him many seasons of hard work to be restored financially, but he shouldn't be
reproached. Perhaps he will never have much money again. But the wise family
will admire him for what he is trying to be, rather than for what he is trying
to get.
Now and then the family will be plagued by
spectres from the past, for the drinking career of almost every alcoholic has
been marked by escapades, funny, humiliating, shameful or tragic. The first
impulse will be to bury these skeletons in a dark closet and padlock the door.
The family may be possessed by the idea that future happiness can be based only
upon forgetfulness of the past. We think that such a view is self-centered and
in direct conflict with the new way of living.
Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the
effect that experience is the thing of supreme value is life. That is true only
if one is willing to turn the past to good account. We grow by our willingness
to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets. The alcoholic's past
thus becomes the principal asset of the family and frequently it is almost the
only one!
This painful past may be of infinite value
to other families still struggling with their problem. We think each family
which has been relieved owes something to those who have not, and when the
occasion requires, each member of it should be only too willing to bring former
mistakes, no matter how grievous, out of their hiding places. Showing others who
suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth
while to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the
greatest possession you have -- the key to life and happiness for
others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.
It is possible to dig up past misdeeds so
they become a blight, a veritable plague. For example, we know of situations in
which the alcoholic or his wife have had love affairs. In the first flush of
spiritual experience they forgave each other and drew closer together. The
miracle of reconciliation was at hand. Then, under one provocation or another,
the aggrieved one would unearth the old affair and angrily cast its ashes about.
A few of us have had these growing pains and they hurt a great deal. Husbands
and wives have sometimes been obliged to separate for a time until new
perspective, new victory over hurt pride could be rewon. In most cases, the
alcoholic survived this ordeal without relapse, but not always. So we think that
unless some good and useful purpose is to be served, past occurrences should not
be discussed.
We families of Alcoholics Anonymous keep
few skeletons in the closet. Everyone knows about the others' alcoholic
troubles. This is a condition which, in ordinary life, would produce untold
grief; there might be scandalous gossip, laughter at the expense of other
people, and a tendency to take advantage of intimate information. Among us,
these are rare occurrences. We do talk about each other a great deal, but we
almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance.
Another principle we observe carefully is
that we do not relate intimate experiences of another person unless we are sure
he would approve. We find it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories.
A man may criticize to laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but
criticism or ridicule coming from another often produce the contrary effect.
Members of a family should watch such matters carefully, for one careless,
inconsiderate remark has been known to raise the very devil. We alcoholics are
sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious
handicap.
Many alcoholics are enthusiasts. They run
to extremes. At the beginning of recovery a man will take, as a rule, one of two
directions. He may either plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in
business, or he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of
little else. In either case certain family problems will arise. With these we
have had experience galore.
We think it dangerous if he rushes headlong
at his economic problem. The family will be affected also, pleasantly at first,
as they feel their money troubles are about to be solved, then not so pleasantly
as they find themselves neglected. Dad may be tired at night and preoccupied by
day. He may take small interest in the children and may show irritation when
reproved for his delinquencies. If not irritable, he may seem dull and boring,
not gay and affectionate as the family would like him to be. Mother may complain
of inattention. They are all disappointed, and often let him feel it. Beginning
with such complaints, a barrier arises. He is straining every nerve to make up
for lost time. He is striving to recover fortune and reputation and feels he is
doing very well.
Sometimes mother and children don't think
so. Having been neglected and misused in the past, they think father owes them
more than they are getting. They want him to make a fuss over them. They expect
him to give them the nice times they used to have before he drank so much, and
to show his contrition for what they suffered. But dad doesn't give freely of
Himself. Resentment grows. He becomes still less communicative. Sometimes he
explodes over a trifle. The family is mystified. They criticize, pointing out
how he is falling down on his spiritual program.
This sort of thing can be avoided. Both
father and the family are mistaken, though each side may have some
justification. It is of little use to argue and only makes the impasse worse.
The family must realize that dad, though marvelously improved, is still
convalescing. They should be thankful he is sober and able to be of this world
once more. Let them praise his progress. Let them remember that his drinking
wrought all kinds of damage that may take long to repair. If they sense these
things, they will not take so seriously his periods of crankiness, depression,
or apathy, which will disappear when there is tolerance, love, and spiritual
understanding.
The head of the house ought to remember
that he is mainly to blame for what befell his home. He can scarcely square the
account in his lifetime. But he must see the danger of over- concentration on
financial success. Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we
found we could not place money first. For us, material well-being always
followed spiritual progress; it never preceded.
Since the home has suffered more than
anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to
get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his
own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is
getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.
As each member of a resentful family begins
to see his shortcomings and admits them to the others, he lays a basis for
helpful discussion. These family talks will be constructive if they can be
carried on without heated argument, self-pity, self- justification or resentful
criticism. Little by little, mother and children will see they ask too much, and
father will see he gives too little. Giving, rather than getting, will become
the guiding principle.
Assume on the other hand that father has,
at the outset, a stirring spiritual experience. Overnight, as it were, he is a
different man. He becomes a religious enthusiast. He is unable to focus on
anything else. As soon as his sobriety begins to be taken as a matter of course,
the family may look at their strange new dad with apprehension, then with
irritation. There is talk about spiritual matters morning, noon and night. He
may demand that the family find God in a hurry, or exhibit amazing indifference
to them and say he is above worldly considerations. He may tell mother, who has
been religious all her life, that she doesn't know what it's all about, and that
she had better get his brand of spirituality while there is yet time.
When father takes this tack, the family may
react unfavorably. The may be jealous of a God who has stolen dad's affections.
While grateful that he drinks no more, they may not like the idea that God has
accomplished the miracle where they failed. They often forget father was beyond
human aid. They may not see why their love and devotion did not straighten him
out. Dad is not so spiritual after all, they say. If he means to right his past
wrongs, why all this concern for everyone in the world but his family? What
about his talk that God will take care of them? They suspect father is a bit
balmy!
He is not so unbalanced as they might
think. Many of us have experienced dad's elation. We have indulged in spiritual
intoxication. Like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in over the ounce of food, our
pick struck gold. Joy at our release from a lifetime of frustration knew no
bounds. Father feels he has struck something better than gold. For a time he may
try to hug the new treasure to himself. He may not see at once that he has
barely scratched a limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines it
for the rest of his life and insists on giving away the entire product.
If the family cooperates, dad will soon see
that he is suffering from a distortion of values. He will perceive that his
spiritual growth is lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual
life which does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after
all. If the family will appreciated that dad's current behavior is but a phase
of his development, all will be well. In the midst of an understanding and
sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad's spiritual infancy will quickly
disappear.
The opposite may happen should the family
condemn and criticize. Dad may feel that for years his drinking has placed him
on the wrong side of every argument, but that now he has become a superior
person with God on his side. If the family persists in criticism, this fallacy
may take a still greater hold on father. Instead of treating the family as he
should, he may retreat further into himself and feel he has spiritual
justification for so doing.
Though the family does not fully agree with
dad's spiritual activities, they should let him have his head. Even if he
displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it
is well to let him go as far as he like in helping other alcoholics. During
those first days of convalescence, this will do more to insure his sobriety than
anything else. Though some of his manifestations are alarming and disagreeable,
we think dad will be on a firmer foundation than the man who is placing business
or professional success ahead of spiritual development. He will be less likely
to drink again, and anything is preferable to that.
Those of us who have spent much time in the
world of spiritual make-believe have eventually seen the childishness of it.
This dream world has been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a
growing consciousness of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe
He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet
ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and
that is where our work must be done. These are the realities for us. We have
found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and a life of
sane and happy usefulness.
One more suggestion: Whether the family has
spiritual convictions or not, they may do well to examine the principles by
which the alcoholic member is trying to live. They can hardly fail to approve
these simple principles, though the head of the house still fails somewhat in
practicing them. Nothing will help the man who is off on a spiritual tangent so
much as the wife who adopts a sane spiritual program, making a better practical
use of it.
There will be other profound changes in the
household. Liquor incapacitated father for so many years that mother became head
of the house. She met these responsibilities gallantly. By force of
circumstances, she was often obliged to treat father as a sick or wayward child.
Even when he wanted to assert himself he could not, for his drinking placed him
constantly in the wrong. Mother made all the plans and gave the directions. When
sober, father usually obeyed. Thus mother, through no fault of her own, became
accustomed to wearing the family trousers. Father, coming suddenly to life
again, often begins to assert himself. This means trouble, unless the family
watches for these tendencies in each other and comes to a friendly agreement
about them.
Drinking isolates most homes from the
outside world. Father may have laid aside for years all normal activities
-- clubs, civic duties, sports. When he renews interest in such things, a
feeling of jealousy may arise. The family may feel they hold a mortgage on dad,
so big that no equity should be left for outsiders. Instead of developing new
channels of activity for themselves, mother and children demand that he stay
home and make up the deficiency.
At the very beginning, the couple ought to
frankly face the fact that each will have to yield here and there if the family
is going to play an effective part in the new life. Father will necessarily
spend much time with other alcoholics, but this activity should be balanced. New
acquaintances who know nothing of alcoholism might be made and thoughtful
considerations given their needs. The problems of the community might engage
attention. Though the family has no religious connections, they may wish to make
contact with or take membership in a religious body.
Alcoholics who have derided religious
people will be helped by such contacts. Being possessed of a spiritual
experience, the alcoholic will find he has much in common with these people,
though he may differ with them on many matters. If he does not argue about
religion, he will make new friends and is sure to find new avenues of usefulness
and pleasure. He and his family can be a bright spot in such congregations. He
may bring new hope and new courage to many a priest, minister, or rabbi, who
gives his all to minister to our troubled world. We intend the foregoing as a
helpful suggestion only. So far as we are concerned, there is nothing obligatory
about it. As non-denominational people, we cannot make up others' minds for
them. Each individual should consult his own conscience.
We have been speaking to you of serious,
sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect.
But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence,
they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to
indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's
troubles on our shoulders. When we see a man sinking into the mire that is
alcoholism, we give him first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For
his sake, we do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of
us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we
are soon overcome by them.
So we think cheerfulness and laughter make
for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we bust into merriment over
a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We
have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.
Everybody know that those in bad health,
and those who seldom play, do not laugh much. So let each family play together
or separately as much as their circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us
to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that his life
is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear
that we made our own misery. God didn't do it. Avoid then, the deliberate
manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an
opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.
Now about health: A body badly burned by
alcohol does not often recover overnight nor do twisted thinking and depression
vanish in a twinkling. We are convinced that a spiritual mode of living is a
most powerful health restorative. We, who have recovered from serious drinking,
are miracles of mental health. But we have seen remarkable transformations in
our bodies. Hardly one of our crowd now shows any dissipation.
But this does not mean that we disregard
human health measures. God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors,
psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitated to take your
health problems to such persons. Most of them give freely of themselves, that
their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies. Try to remember that though God
has wrought miracles among us, we should never belittle a good doctor or
psychiatrist. Their services are often indispensable in treating a newcomer and
in following his case afterward.
One of the many doctors who had the
opportunity of reading this book in manuscript form told us that the use of
sweets was often helpful, of course depending upon a doctor's advice. He thought
all alcoholic should constantly have chocolate available for its quick energy
value at times of fatigue. He added that occasionally in the night a vague
craving arose which would be satisfied by candy. Many of us have noticed a
tendency to eat sweets and have found this practice beneficial.
A word about sex relations. Alcohol is so
sexually stimulating to some men that they have over-indulged. Couples are
occasionally dismayed to find that when drinking is stopped the man tends to be
impotent. Unless the reason is understood, there may be an emotional upset. Some
of us had this experience, only to enjoy, in a few months, a finer intimacy than
ever. There should be no hesitancy in consulting a doctor or psychologist if the
condition persists. We do not know of many cases where this difficulty lasted
long.
The alcoholic may find it hard to
re-establish friendly relations with his children. Their young minds were
impressionable while he was drinking. Without saying so, they may cordially hate
him for what he has done to them and to their mother. The children are sometimes
dominated by a pathetic hardness and cynicism. They cannot seem to forgive and
forget. This may hang on for months, long after their mother has accepted dad's
new way of living and thinking.
In time they will see that he is a new man
and in their own way they will let him know it. When this happens, they can be
invited to join in morning meditation and then they can take part in the daily
discussion without rancor or bias. From that point on, progress will be rapid.
Marvelous results often follow such a reunion.
Whether the family goes on a spiritual
basis or not, the alcoholic member has to if he would recover. The others must
be convinced of his new status beyond the shadow of a doubt. Seeing is believing
to most families who have lived with a drinker.
Here is a case in point: One of our friends
is a heavy smoker and coffee drinker. There was no doubt he over- indulged.
Seeing this, and meaning to be helpful, his wife commenced to admonish him about
it. He admitted he was overdosing these things, but frankly said that he was not
ready to stop. His wife is one of those persons who really feels there is
something rather sinful about these commodities, so she nagged, and her
intolerance finally threw him into a fit of anger. He got drunk.
Of course our friend was wrong --
dead wrong. He had to painfully admit that and mend his spiritual fences.
Though he is now a most effective member of Alcoholics Anonymous, he still
smokes and drinks coffee, but neither his wife nor anyone else stands in
judgment. She sees she was wrong to make a burning issue out of such a matter
when his more serious ailments were being rapidly cured.
We have three little mottoes which are
apropos. Here they are:
